Jerry Hoffer Attorney at Law P.C.

Covid19

Wed, 01 Apr 2020 16:13:00 GMT

The Supreme Court of Tennessee has extended its suspension of in court proceedings until April 30. There are limited exceptions to this rule.

This does NOT mean the courthouse is closed.

This does NOT mean law offices are closed.

This does NOT mean cases are not being filed, worked, prepared, or settled.

This does NOT mean you cannot apply for an emergency order, hearing, or most importantly, an Order of Protection.

If you need assistance with your Divorce or other Family Law matter, please contact us. We are open for business.

See this link for the official court order: http://tncourts.gov/sites/default/files/docs/order_-_2020-03-25t120936.486.pdf

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Back on the blog train

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 17:52:00 GMT

I have ignored the blog on this website for far too long. My (early) New Year’s resolution is to try to upload some valuable content at least every two weeks.

Wish me luck. JH

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Questions to ask BEFORE getting married in order to prevent a DIVORCE.

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 14:47:00 GMT

Hello everyone. Here is a really good article from the New York Times, credit ELEANOR STANFORD, about questions to ask BEFORE getting married. I suggest reading it if you are contemplated marriage and you are serious about avoiding a divorce.

13 Questions to Ask
Before Getting Married

By ELEANOR STANFORD MARCH 24, 2016

When it comes to marriage, what you don’t know really can hurt you.

Whether because of shyness, lack of interest or a desire to preserve romantic mystery, many couples do not ask each other the difficult questions that can help build the foundation for a stable marriage, according to relationship experts.

In addition to wanting someone with whom they can raise children and build a secure life, those considering marriage now expect their spouses to be both best friend and confidant. These romantic-comedy expectations, in part thanks to Hollywood, can be difficult to live up to.

Sure, there are plenty of questions couples can ask of each other early in the relationship to help ensure a good fit, but let’s face it: most don’t.

“If you don’t deal with an issue before marriage, you deal with it while you’re married,” said Robert Scuka, the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. It can be hard to keep secrets decade after decade, and reticence before the wedding can lead to disappointments down the line.

The following questions, intimate and sometimes awkward, are designed to spark honest discussions and possibly give couples a chance to spill secrets before it’s too late.

1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?

A relationship’s success is based on how differences are dealt with, said Peter Pearson, a founder of the Couples Institute. As we are all shaped by our family’s dynamic, he said, this question will give you insight into whether your partner will come to mimic the conflict resolution patterns of his or her parents or avoid them.

2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?

With the question of children, it is important to not just say what you think your partner wants to hear, according to Debbie Martinez, a divorce and relationship coach. Before marrying, couples should honestly discuss if they want children. How many do they want? At what point do they want to have them? And how do they imagine their roles as parents? Talking about birth-control methods before planning a pregnancy is also important, said Marty Klein, a sex and marriage therapist.

3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?

Bradford Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, pointed to research his organization has sponsored that indicated that having had many serious relationships can pose a risk for divorce and lower marital quality. (This can be because of a person having more experience with serious breakups and potentially comparing a current partner unfavorably with past ones.) Raising these issues early on can help, Dr. Wilcox said. Dr. Klein said people are “hesitant to explicitly talk about their past” and can feel retroactively jealous or judgmental. “The only real way to have those conversations in an intimate and productive way and loving way is to agree to accept that the other person had a life before the couple,” he said.

4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?

If two people come from different religious backgrounds, is each going to pursue his or her own religious affiliation? Dr. Scuka has worked with couples on encouraging honest discussion around this issue as the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. What is more, spouses are especially likely to experience conflict over religious traditions when children are added to the mix, according to Dr. Wilcox. If the couple decide to have children, they must ask how the children’s religious education will be handled. It is better to have a plan, he said.

5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?

It’s important to know how your partner feels about financial self-sufficiency and whether he or she expects you to keep your resources separate, said Frederick Hertz, a divorce lawyer. Disclosing debts is very important. Equally, if there is a serious discrepancy between your income and your partner’s, Dr. Scuka recommended creating a basic budget according to proportional incomes. Many couples fail to discuss sharing finances, though it is crucial, he said.

6. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?

Couples should make sure they are on the same page in terms of financial caution or recklessness. Buying a car is a great indicator, according to Mr. Hertz. Couples can also frame this question around what they spend reckless amounts of money on, he said.

7. Can you deal with my doing things without you?

Going into marriage, many people hope to keep their autonomy in certain areas of their life at the same time they are building a partnership with their spouse, according to Seth Eisenberg, the president of Pairs (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills). This means they may be unwilling to share hobbies or friends, and this can lead to tension and feelings of rejection if it isn’t discussed. Couples may also have different expectations as to what “privacy” means, added Dr. Klein, and that should be discussed, too. Dr. Wilcox suggested asking your partner when he or she most needs to be alone.

8. Do we like each other’s parents?

As long as you and your partner present a united front, having a bad relationship with your in-laws can be manageable, Dr. Scuka said. But if a spouse is not willing to address the issue with his or her parents, it can bode very poorly for the long-term health of the relationship, he said. At the same time, Dr. Pearson said, considering the strengths and weaknesses of your parents can illuminate future patterns of attachment or distancing in your own relationship.

9. How important is sex to you?

Couples today expect to remain sexually excited by their spouse, an expectation that did not exist in the past, according to Mr. Eisenberg. A healthy relationship will include discussion of what partners enjoy about sex as well as how often they expect to have it, Dr. Klein said. If people are looking to experience different things through sex — pleasure versus feeling young, for example — some negotiation may be required to ensure both partners remain satisfied.

10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?

Dr. Klein said couples should discuss their attitudes about pornography, flirting and expectations for sexual exclusivity. A couple’s agreement on behavior in this area can, and most likely will, change down the line, he said, but it is good to set the tone early on so both partners are comfortable discussing it. Ideally, sexual exclusivity should be talked about in the same way as other day-to-day concerns, so that problems can be dealt with before a partner becomes angry, he said. Dr. Pearson suggested asking your partner outright for his or her views on pornography. Couples are often too scared to ask about this early in the relationship, but he has frequently seen it become a point of tension down the line, he said.

11. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?

Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, “The 5 Love Languages,” introduced this means of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen a marriage. Ms. Martinez hands her premarriage clients a list of the five love languages: affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. She asks them to mark their primary and secondary languages and what they think is their partner’s, and discuss them. Mr. Eisenberg said that a couple needs to work out how to nurture the relationship, in a way specific to them.

12. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?

Can you imagine the challenges ever outweighing the admiration? If so, what would you do? Anne Klaeysen, a leader of the New York Society for Ethical Culture, said that couples rarely consider that second question. Ideally, marriage is a life commitment, she said, and it’s not enough to just “click together,” as many couples describe their relationship. A marriage must go deeper than that original “click.”
13. How do you see us 10 years from now?

Keeping the answer to this question in mind can help a couple deal with current conflict as they work toward their ultimate relationship goals, according to Mr. Eisenberg.
Dr. Wilcox said this discussion could also be an opportunity to raise the question of whether each partner will consider divorce if the relationship deteriorates, or whether they expect marriage to be for life, come what may.

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The Do’s and Don’ts of Divorce

Tue, 05 May 2015 01:36:00 GMT

DOS AND DON’TS OF A DIVORCE

HIRE A LAWYER (Never go to a gunfight with a stick)

DO:

Get recommendations from friends, lawyer referral services.

Do your own research and interview the candidates.

Find a good match in terms of your personality.

Research attorney reviews on the Internet to get a feel on responsiveness, character, staff interactions, etc.

Do not read too much into one or two negative reviews. Consistent negative reviews is a bad sign but one or two negative reviews out of many positive reviews is usually a client that can never be made happy.

DON’TS:

Don’t hire a lawyer who has no family law experience.

Don’t hire a lawyer based solely on their reputation.

Don’t hire an attorney who never goes to court.

Don’t hire a lawyer who doesn’t have a systematic approach to communication.

Don’t hire an attorney with unhappy or rude staff.

WHAT DO I TELL MY LAWYER

DO:

Tell him or her the truth

Do you own legwork, copying and organization.

Stay organized. (Bringing your lawyer a Tupperware box full of documentation with no organization will only increase your attorney’s fees).

Answer your attorney’s questions honesty.

Fill out all worksheets given to you by your attorney in a timely manner.

Batch your questions for appointments or telephone appointments so as not to overwhelm your lawyer with information.

Be honest about all the bad things about your life or people that you associate with. In other words, talk about the skeletons in your closet.

DON’TS:

Don’t lie.

Don’t hide things.

Don’t ignore calls or letters.

Don’t bombard your lawyer with calls, messages or emails.

Don’t bring a box of documents, Tupperware box of documents, Ziploc baggy of documents with no sense of organization. (They teach us at seminars to avoid these types of clients; it’s a red flag people).

Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

HOW TO TREAT YOUR SPOUSE DURING THE CASE

DO:

Be civilized.

Set a healthy example for your children.

Engage in counseling; individually and / or family.

Walk away from fights.

Stop drinking alcohol. Now is not the time.

Exercise. Get sleep. Eat well.

Read.

DON’TS:

Don’t date during your divorce. You are still married until the divorce decree is entered and final.

Don’t spend money on your boyfriend or girlfriend. (If you can’t follow good lawyer advice).

Don’t put any nasty messages in writing such as emails or text messages.

Don’t leave nasty voice mails.

Don’t be nasty.

Always assume you are being photographed or recorded.

Don’t threaten to quit your job.

Don’t cancel health insurance, car insurance and the like.

CUSTODY AND PARENTING TIME

DO:

Be realistic.

Let your children spend extra time with your spouse or ex-spouse.

Gently parent your children.

Put your animosity or anger that you feel towards your spouse or ex-spouse aside for the benefit of your children.

Engage in family counseling or individual counseling where appropriate.

Let your children spend time with the extended family.

Be flexible.

Speak positively about your other spouse.

Allow the other parent telephonic access.

DON’TS

Don’t engage in parent alienation.

Don’t speak poorly about your spouse.

Don’t discuss the case with your children.

Don’t show the children your legal paperwork.

Don’t use your children as a messenger.

Don’t have your children act as spies.

Don’t be unreasonably rigid in your scheduling.

Don’t create extracurricular activities to exclude the other spouse from having parenting time.

PROPERTY

DO:

Fill out the master asset list for your attorney promptly and list all assets.

Answer your questions on time.

Maintain your property so as not to lose value.

Obtain a free online credit report.

DON’TS:

Don’t refinance property.

Don’t buy real estate without discussing it with your attorney.

Don’t hide assets.

Don’t spend money on your boyfriend or girlfriend (you’re not supposed to have one anyway.)

Don’t lie on your discovery or play games.

Don’t sell property without speaking to your attorney.

Don’t destroy property.

Don’t take money out of the retirement funds.

Don’t argue about insignificant property such as X Boxes or furniture that is not worth anything unless it has sentimental value.

SOCIAL MEDIA

DO’S:

Stop or limit your social media use.

If you come across your spouse’s postings or photos online that reflect poorly on him or her, please print that out or preserve that evidence.

DON’TS:

Don’t use social media to respond in anger to bad things that are happening in your life or air your grievances about your spouse or your ex-spouse.

Don’t flaunt your new girlfriend or boyfriend on social media (that you are not supposed to have anyway).

Don’t change your social status on Facebook from married to single because you are still married.

Don’t post the horrible pictures of yourself that reflect badly on your character. (Being drunk, acting stupid, flipping the bird, etc.).

DEBT

Do’s

Maintain the status quo. Pay the minimum payment due. Keep a paper trail.

Don’ts

Don’t run up your credit card. Don’t pay off your credit card unless your lawyer tells you to do so. Don’t change things with reference to your credit.

IF you have other questions, contact our office for a case assessment.

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Life

Wed, 04 Mar 2015 12:37:00 GMT

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.

~Carl Sandburg

I just spent last weekend visiting my parents in snowy Akron, Ohio. My mother and father are in their 80s and reaching the end of their long journey. Don’t forget to tell others that you love them.

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Trashing Opposing Counsel for the Client’s Benefit in a Divorce or Family Law Matter

Wed, 27 Nov 2013 13:10:00 GMT

When I meet with divorce clients for the first time, there is a healthy majority of clients who want “aggressive representation” for the sake of being aggressive. Here at the Divorce and Family Law Center, I try cases based on the facts of the case and the current law and attempt to achieve what’s in my client’s best interests overall and in the long run. Short term aggressive representation might make one feel good in the beginning, but in the long run it just costs more money and creates a lot of ill will with the court and your soon to be ex spouse. If there are children involved, ill will with the ex is never a good way to start a post divorce life.

Specifically, the Florida Supreme Court noted as follows: “Competent, zealous representation is required when working on a case for a client. There are proper types of behavior and methods to utilize when aggressively representing a client. Screaming at judges and opposing counsel, and personally attacking opposing counsel by disparaging him and attempting to humiliate him, are not among the types of acceptable conduct but are entirely unacceptable. One can be professional and aggressive without being obnoxious. Attorneys should focus on the substance of their cases, treating judges and opposing counsel with civility, rather than trying to prevail by being insolent toward judges and purposefully offensive toward opposing counsel. …”

Well said.

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Rules to live by from Woodrow Wilson

Wed, 27 Nov 2013 00:10:00 GMT

“ YOU ARE NOT HERE MERELY TO MAKE A LIVING. YOU ARE HERE IN ORDER TO ENABLE THE WORLD TO LIVE MORE AMPLY, WITH GREATER VISION, WITH A FINER SPIRIT OF HOPE AND ACHIEVEMENT. YOU ARE HERE TO ENRICH THE WORLD, AND YOU IMPOVERISH YOURSELF IF YOU FORGET THE ERRAND. ”

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